Just with myself today - boyfriend is at work, and I am just with the cats and the house....and feeling what I feel.

Want to just sit in my core today.   Just be with myself today.  Allow things to be what they are and simply "be with them".  WAnt to try a new way of being - less thinking, less of an old pattern of thought from my past that still bubbles up into my present.

I can remember a past session with a threapist from almost 18 years ago, who wondered why - when something good happened to me, that I immediately thought of something bad that might or could happen.  Why couldn't I simply enjoy something, someone, some event for what it was?

I find myself doing that again - not simply allowing things to be what they are, but finding fault (as if ........as if what ?)Even the simplicity of a cat sitting in my lap sitting happily - softely purring (Thasa) , I immediately "spoil it" by the knee jerk reaction of questioning the cat's motives.....as if it had any.   I can simply enjoy the moment,knwoing the cat is happy and that I am happy with the cat as well.   A simple thing....to be enjoyed simply.

I have taken the knowledge that I've learned from my pastoral counsesling and learn to question all the intentions......to try and see through to the truth of something.   AS if things and animals and events always have deeper truths.....   Sometimes people, things and events simply are what they are - with no deeper truth, no deeper or alternative intent.  There is no need for me to prove myself a knowlegeable person - I don't have anything to prove - no one to show worthiness too.    I am simply worthy in and off myself, by my own existance.

So I need not prove love to a person by always being the perfect cook, the always intuitive correct loving boyfriend, brother, friend.    It's okay to have faults and not know - and that is a hard thing to accept because it means that I cannot prevent mistakes, (how did I get there?) 

I can simply be the person that I am, with my faults, knowing that they will eek themselves out at times, but that at my heart - I am a loving individual, with abilities and "dis" abilities, that is able to care of another person genuinely, able to perform at a job well.  I need not "fix everything".....

I want to let go of what those knee jerk reactions of finding fault in things, people, situations.   Am I so intolerant of others people faults because I am unwillling to accept my own?   If I could just allow myself to be, with all my abilties, all my growing edges, all the places where I feel like I "lack" or am wholely without - then I could be more confrotably be with others as well. 

I suppose I am growing into that, learning that it is okay to make mistakes - to risk making mistakes and not knowing so that I can continue to grow as an individaul, and that people will love me, care for me in spite of risks, mistakes.  

I can risk being me knowing that with some people, that will be okay.   I don't need everyone to love me always, so I don't have to try so hard to be "right", "perfect", "correct".   And if there will be some people - like Mary Jo at Crate and Barrel, who don't love me - who are angry with me - that that is there issue and nothing really to do with me - "me", as in whom I am in my core. 

I can just be Daniel - my wonderful self...and continue growing into the loving person I am, growing into being the kind of partner I want to be for Doug some day (and am know - at least in my potential), into the kind of church administrator that I would like to be for Paint Branch, into the kind of sone that I want to be for my mom - especially as she gets older.   I don't have to be perfect, but I can just be me and all fo that is okay.  

Letting go - trying not to control situations all the time and just "let them be" - let Mom be, let job be, let STeve and my relationship with him "be", let Doug and Sue "be".   We can just all "be".

If you, who are reading this, get anything out of it - then that's twice the blessing.....but it is blessing enough as it is.

Ah  - there is the seed, planted deeply and now covered by the Winter's cold - loving nurtured in the cold breast of Mother Earth, who knows that sometimes cold is best so that future warmth may come.

Peace, dignity.....and love.     

I did something today that I now regret.  I actually watched a video of someone being beheaded.  It was ghastly.  I couldn't believe the sheer brutality, the barbarians who killed the poor man (Kim Sun-Il) with no emotion, nothing.......his pleas were ignored and her screamed in agony as his head was removed from his body.   I watched paralized.  

Why I watched was a mixture of, "Do they really feel nothing as they are killing someone?"  "Could someone be so barbaric as to just ruthlessly kill someone so unmercifully, so painfully."   Well, I now have my answer.   I shall regret watching it for the rest of my life.  It was something I will not forget.  I am not sure what lesson I will earn from it, if any, but I am sure I could have learned it a different way.

I know that I will never watch another such video ever again, ever.  

Today is a study in being "in front of the wound, without scratching".  Remembering Pema Chodron's words from yesterday, I am taking today to fast - only drink water (at least, that's the intent) - and see what comes up. 

Already, driving in traffic today - there was this temptation to be critical of those who were driving too fast or too slow.  When I stopped and "looked at what was tempting me to scratch", I found that there was a deeper sense of how I hate those drivers that aren't aware of me - either driving too fast and putting me in possible danger, or driving too slow and getting in my way.  I had to literally "stay my hand" so as not to dwell on either of those thoughts, just just allow them to dissipate.  I tried to "detach myself" from it and just allow it to flow out of me, or sit within, or whatever that emotion was going to do.

It made me realize that I hate being ignored or treated as if I am not here.  I hate being disregarded, but then most of those drivers on the road aren't intentionally disregarding me, they are just trying to get from point A to point B. 

Then, that led to another (deeper?) thought - What if no one thinks of me?  And there was a fleeting moment of very pointed panic.   I thought of Doug and what he is going through in his search for a job - how he feels sometimes that "no one wants him", and that he has to stop and think of reasons as to why he isn't getting call backs on his resume.  It may very well have nothing to do with him specfically, jobs just get filled - and sometimes it's being "at the right place, at the right time'.  It's not that no one does or doesn't want him, it's simply that jobs get filled by people who come along at certain times, and his time will come - he will be "the answer", or at least "an answer" for someone who needs him to fill a job.

So, back to the question of - what if no one thinks of me......it was a scary thought......it was momentarily isolating.  It lead me to think of how I sometimes "throw myself" into a person - getting totally wrapped up in them, meeting their needs, trying to be for them what they might need at the moment.   So often I have "lost myself" in another person - certainly that has happened in previous relationships.   I gave up so much of myself, that when I finally extricated myself for a relationship - I had to spend time getting to know who I was again.   It sure happened in this last relationship prior to Doug.....I had been with DAvid for 5 years.  It was loving, and it was also when I just gave up a good bit of myself that I didn't feel could be shared with David.  There were so many interests that just weren't shared.   Not that there is anything wrong with that - but I wonder how we sustained ourselves over 5 years.

See, with Doug, there is so much more to share - more curiosity about the world - more common substance.  I love his wonder about the world, his enthusiasm about things, his impressive knowledge about so much.  He brings out the excitment for living within me, something that is already there, and just makes it more obvious.  I feel joyful around him sometimes, when we are in our "discovery mode" - just going sompleace and "getting lost" - finding our way, like we did in St. Michaels last weekend.

See - the panic about not being wanted is momentary - and not because of some superficially sense of "well someone DOES Want me", because I find that there is no need to "throw myself" at anyone in order to be fuilfilled, feel valuable, feel worthy. 

I have often felt, in the past, like the only way I could feel like "myself", is if I threw myself into something - and I still have this inital eagerness for doing something novel.  Doing something new can be quite exciting.  It can also be very misleading.   Jumping in with both feet, and giving myself totally away to some new expereince can be....welll...can be dangerous quite frankly.   If I don't held back anything, what's left over?  9Will this even make sense to anyone who reads this?).  It's always a good thing to remember not to give yourself completely away.  I've been known to throw myself into relationship with eveyrthing I have, giving myself totally away to the other, only to be REALLY, REALLY hurt when that purpose pulled away.  It can be devastating.

Wow - talk about your train of though blog....and its' only been 20 minutes into the day....I wonder what else will come from today?

Today was the capper.  After having eaten WAY too many dark chocolate M&M's for a second day in a row, and having my body react with the shakes and be repulsed by a lovely dinner prepared by my mother, my awareness of the way I deal with anxiety sharpened.  

Anxious moments are most often dealt with trying to "self-medicate' with a run to the fridge, stuffing my face with food, "treating myself" to something to eat.   It is the very act of eating, of filling my mouth till it is full that gives me some temporary sense of "control", which quickly vanishes once I have swallowed.  For even when I am full, I still have to deal with that which makes me anxious.  

There have been times that, even when I am sick to death of eating and am VERY full, I have continued eating to try and douse the burgeoning anxiety.  Instead of directly dealing with the anxiety - "looking under the hood", as it were - and find out what exactly is giving me such a tough time, I will shy away.   I often don't believe that I have it within myself to right the problem, or that the answer is not imediately appartent and I don't want to have to "do the work" of trying to find a solution; thereby making myself even more anxious, and stuffing myself even more in an effort to "shut out the anxiety".  

It has been the source of terrible probelsm with weight.  The last 4 months of 2006 six saqw me lose a great deal of weight, only to have me gain back at least 9-10 pounds of it again.  Rather then seek a solution to my boredom with exercise, I simply choose not to do it.   Feeling anxious over not exerciseing, I go back to eating.  I "placate" myself by eating things that are "healthy:, but in such quantity that it is no longer healthy.  For when I stop eating, I am then almost IMMEDIATELY faced with my fears again - fears of inadequacy about my job, fears about (and in trying to name this fear - I just reached for a bottle of water in order to "chug" something.....wow - it's really someting that I allow to control me).  

I have a fear about my realtionship with DW- something in the back of my mind.   His having come here from New Orleans to start his life over, having just left 6 months ago a very poisonious relationship that lasted 14 years with someone who was terribly addicted to alcohol and drugs.  Given all that he has been through, I admire him greatly for having the courage to leave what has been his home to come here and start again. 

My fear, and it's not a constant fear, but one that pops up in my mind sometimes, is that we may have gotten involved to quickly; that perhaps I should have allowed him more time to date others.  We settled on each other in what seems like such a short amount of time.   We3 talked about this, and he said he felt the same way at first, but that our relatoinship just "felt so right", that he just decided to go with it.   Which is pretty much what I have done.

But he has been very limited by not having a car, by living with Deena at her house, by struggling with employment here.  Hehad a job initially, only to leave that job because of the really horrible atompshere in that store.   I don't blame him for leaving, for he was being taken advantage of, and for his own peace of mind he was right to leave.

I guess my fear is, what happens when he finally does get a job where he has something sound and life-giving, when he finally has transportation and can get around and see more of Maryland.  What happens when he starts meeting other people, other guys....will I still be someone he wants in his life as a boyfriend?  Will he still love me and want to be with me?   Or will he meet someone else and want to be with them?   (The question I ask is "Will he meet someone better than I am?" - but then that reveals that I've got this self-image issue, that if someone else wins his heart, that necessarily makes them better then I am - that somehow I would be less of a person, of lesser value because Doug chose to be with someone else.  And I immediately want to reach out to myself and say that all of that is not true - that who I am, my integrity as a person deosn't change bcause of the choices another pesron maeks with regard to being in relatioship with me.   My value, my worth is inherent - my being has worth because of my existance - not because of how I am treated or not treated by others.   The lesson there is that sometimes we give too much power to another person to determine what our feelings of self-worth should be.  If we could simply rest easy in the fact that our worth is something that is always with us, something that we don't have to worry about being "stolen" from us because of what others may or may not do - our anxiety level would go down.)

So the trick, is to stay with the feelings - to be infront of that  "raw wound" of deflated self-worth and to look at it for what it really is.   To be more merciful, more loving to myself.  Then I find that the anxiety vanishes because it isn't any one person who really gives "worth" to me.  "Worth" is not something that is given from the outside, but is a fundamental part of who and what we are.  We need not be worried about our worth - we can simply know that it is always there.   Letting go of the anxiety of our worth, of MY worth affords me the ability to see clearly. 

And suddently - there is no need to fill myself with food - and for a moment I am resting comfortably within my own body.  This moment can be here whenever, and is in fact a "natural" state of my body.  I need not panic over the next moments of anixety, because that is simply the raw wound - or the illusion of a raw wound.   If I "scratch" it, then I just irritate it more - but if I simply allow it to "bleed", it will heal on it's own - as Pema Chodron says.

It was reading Pema Chodron's meditation on additictions (http://www.pemachodron.org/), that allowed me to meditate and write this.  It was interesting when I got to the following paragraph that my body reacted in such a severe way that I felt COMPELLED to sit and confront the anxiety that was brewing inside: (in italics and centered for reference)

I offer this reflection for anyone it might benefit.  Some issues are particular to me, although there are some individuals who might resonate with what I am about to say.  Please be advised that these are rambling thoughts, and may not be as well formed as one would like.  However, this is primarily an exercise for me - to try and make some connections between a few events in my life, and Zaadz seems to be a safe place in which to work them out.

Recently, I was speaking with a dear friend over the phone, and what started out as what I would thought to be a short "check up - Hi-how-ya-doin conversation, became a rather length discussion, cathartic, "ah-ha" moment or sting of moments.

Pretty much the dicussion kicked off with the usual what's going on in your life - how are kids, boyfriend, mom, family, etc......  When it got to talking about church, (I'm UU - Unitarian-Universalist for those of you who haven't read my profile), I shared with Sue that a number of people in my church have told me I would make a good minister.  This is based on their experience of me as a lay worship associate as well as being chair of my church's GLBT concerns committee.   While flattered and happy wit the complement, I long ago swore off ministry, simply because of my previous experience as a CAtholic.   Having tried 3 years of religious life and been asked to leave the monastery (yes, asked! much to my inital shame, shock and horror) I came to the conclusion that religious life wasn't for me, and that I could do ministry in some other way then consecrated life.  This realization became even more evident after I left the RC church - that priesthood was no longer desirable or available.  As much as I had come to realize, that being asked to leave would begin a process that would lead away from a very limited self-understanding (of haveing to be "right" with God in order to be of value as a person), I've always looked at that as a clear sign that I'm a failure at ministry.  It's an old tape in my head that plays all the time.   And since then, any time I thought of life as a minister - the old tapes start right up again - that I will fail, that I don't have the talent, committment, etc....to become an ordained minister.  I didn't do it right the first time, why should this time be any different.

This is all compounded by subsequent attempts at ministry that have always ended up being less then desirable.  A stint as a full time youth minister ended after 2 years.  I enjoyed the kids, but was hampered by having to represent the teachings of the Catholic Church.   Being a closeted gay man was no big help either.  Oh, I was out to myself and to a few chosen friends, but it wasn't possible to be openly gay.  The vision of youth ministry in that parish was quite narrow and eventually I just couldn't "cut the mustard".  They brought in this very conservative youth ministry program, and I just decided to bag it.  

I sang in choirs, did music ministry, enjoyed that as a volunteer - but that was more about "ego" and "show", then really doing ministry.  Granted, there was part of me that wanted to do well and have the singing be a prayerful part of any service.  I wanted to do well so that it would lend to a person's enjoyment of a service, but the ego was ever present - and still is, although to a lesser extent.

Being a Lay Worship Associate at my church helps "curb" that ministerial appetite.  I get a chance to lead worship every once in a while without getting caught up in a full time committment.   I get to do something for my community in which I feel comfortable and then I get to just leave it to the side for a while, if I choose.  I don't have to deal with the anxiety of contemplating re-education myself, wondering if I will be up to the task of full-time ministry.  I just get to "pick and choose".  

There is always the fear, in contemplating full time ordained ministry, that I will fail again, that it's just TOO much of an unknown to consider, and that it would really point me in a direction I just don't want to go in.   The fear is still there that Iw ould "fail", although now it's more of a knowing that I just don't want to go in that direction.   And having that be OK.  Perhaps it's better to, not only realize limitations, but also to know that ordained ministry is just not a direction I want to go in....at least for now........

Yet, it all still intregues me.    I love doing theology...I love helping people come to some awareness and expression of their faith.   I love to help create a space where we can worship and live together as a community, and really bring our faith into some dailiy expression within our lives.  I am facinated by it, love to see others do it - sometimes even get into it myself.....

But "going all the way"?   As facinating as it is, it still frightens me too....and I wonder If I am just not to comfortable with my life as it is now, to shake it up again just for the sake of being ordained.

Well - I'm not going to be able to plow thorugh this any time quickly....it's just going to have to sit on the back burner, and maybe not even have any heat on undernearth the pot for a while.

To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable,
and wealthy, not rich;
to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart;
to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently,
await occasions, hurry never;
in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious,
grow up through the common-this is my symphony. (William Ellery Channing)

 

Dear Folks,

Just some general thoughts to share on DATING.  Having recently re-entered the wonderful world of looking for a partner, I find myself in a not so unqiue position to share some thoughts with you all - in hopes that someone might learn something from it (certainly I'm repeating a few mistakes).

I find that I am recognizing some old and familiar routines - getting excited about a date, wondering if "he's the one", and sometimes putting on WAY to much in terms of expectation upon a poor hapless soul who just wants to meet and get to know me AND have a good time doing it.   Dating should be an enjoyable thing, something that should have an "easy air" about it, but more often then not, I've tended to load it up with all sorts of extraneous baggage (albeit, I'm a little better hiding it then I was)

Too often, I have found myself putting my self-esteem into the hands of an unknown stranger, allowing their actions (or lack of action) to dictate how I feel about myself.   Here's a sample of some internal dialogue:

"God, is he ever GORGEOUS - why isn't he as excited to meet me as I am about him...   Am I calling him by his name too much?........wow, he's really in my personal space - does he like me?......damn, I shouldn't have offered a massage on the first date, (smacking head and saying "Stupid, stupid, stupid")......hmm, he doesn't seem very demonstrative....I've let him know at least a few times that touch is okay.  I'm just not has hot as he is......look at me.....ARGH......"  

Get the picture?  I wonder why I do that to myself?  This isn't a competition.....any date's reaction or lack of reaction to me doesn't take away or add to my dignity to my person.   First dates, (and for that matter - second and third) are really just about getting to know a person - likes and dislikes etc.....   Wanting too much from a first date is, at least for me, a good indication that I am not getting enough praise, comfort, love & care from myself TO myself.   If I just allow a situation to be fun and easy, and take off all the expectations about having to "find a husband", it allows things to proceed at a relaxed pace.    It allows us to just enjoy getting to know each other and being in another person's company.  It allows me to appreciate the whole person, and not just be critiquing someone one whether or not things they do, say, the way they look in something I want in a partner. 

More on dating later......suffice it to day that, at age 47, there is still plenty to learn.....

Sitting Mediatation poses many challenges, trying not to put particular goals or expectations but just trying to open up to what happens during mediation. 

Studying the Buddhist concept of "Metta" or  Loving Kindness - using Susan Salzburg's book on Loving Kindness as a resource.  Reading it together with members of my sangha during our group mediation on monday - very beneficial. 

Able to sit comfortably for longer periods of time.  Still struggling with night sitting meditation as my mind drifts so easily.  Trying to lovingly pull it back.

WOrk is better as well.....calmer in some ways......in some ways, just choosing to not act in certain ways when I find myself irritated, angry, frustrated with situations and people.  Just trying to notice how the emotions are working.

Today as a vacation day from work really happened as a spur of the moment decision.  I have reached the "ceiling" as far as number of vacation days I can accrue, and needed to take a day this month in order to keep accruing.  So Friday, i told my boss I would be taking a day on Monday, to which he readily agreed.

I wanted to make day a practical day: of getting some work done for my mom in the house, of doing some needed volunteer work for my church involving telephone calls / emails, of getting an oil change for the car 9also very needed).  I also wanted to take care of myself today: getting some good nutrition to compensate for the delicious but heavy eating the occured over the weekend, as well as to get in some good sitting meditation time - which I've been wanting to focus on.  Fortunately, all that happened today - thanks to some good old fashioned "stick to it" gumption, but also some openness.

But how do I also explain that one of the things that I wanted to focus on - a real quandry that I've been finding myself in - was the unsettling experience of re-occuring frustration and resentment towards people at work and (gasp!) my life partner.  II've been aware of them for quite some time - and was trying to use some techniques to try and "disarm" or at least "neutralize" the feelings I was having by using some Buddhist techniques, including sitting meditation, breath awareness, trying not to pass judgement on myself for the negative feelings I was having.  All of this effort has worked to some extent, but I was finding that the core feelings weren't really shifting all that much.  Sensing the core, i was getting more frustrated with myself - and with everyone else around me.  It had been to the point that I really had been wanting to just "chuck" my job, perhaps my partner.  It was making me quite sad and, quite frankly, I had gotten into this resentful acceptance that work and relationship were in the beginning stages of dying.  I had meditatied myself into a place where I was "essentially safe" while things around me were starting to fall apart and I was just going to let it happen.

However - Today brought a suprising insight; one that, much to my relief, seemed to pull me out of a disgruntled resignation and feeling of helplessness, into feelings of peace, "rootedness" and ways that I could, not only salvage my job and relationship, but actively  make them better.

It began this morning when I took my car for the oil change at a car care center just 8 minutes walk from my house (wonderful and convenient).  I decided to use walk back home as a walking medtation.  My morning sitting meditation had me encounter and be aware of the same feelings of anger towards boss and my partner that I had been having.  The one difference was that, instead of shoving the away under the pretext of being "non-judgemental" (in other words, trying not to "brand" or "Judge" the feelings but simply allow them to be), I found that it simply wasn't sufficent for me to just "notice" the feelings.  I wanted to really be more aware of them, and so I actually found myself "pulling" those feelings in closer, actually breathing IN the negative stuff that I was dealing with.

Now mind all of you who are reading this blog, I REALLY struggled with this - I am not a person who like to "breathe in" anything that makes me fearful, or pull closer any negative feelings about myself.  INdeed, I couldn't get my head around breathing in anything like fear, anger, rsentment - it just DIDN't make sense.  But today and tonight, instead of the choking feelings that would usually accompany my trying to do the breathing in-breathing out meditation, I was SUCKING in the fear like my life depended on it.  I mean, seriously folks, I felt like an Electrolux - I was pulling in the fear that hard. 

And it openned up a host of feeltings, a deeper awareness of all the stuff that I was fearing - it was like looking in a mirror, crystal clear and shinning with a reflection of all that was giving me such deep resentment.

I had been angry at having to deal with aspects of other people that were just.......like......me, (WOW!). 

There is was - the plain, unvarnished, warts and all truth.......EXCEPT........I didn't see warts, I wasn't seeing stupid, awful, self-centered, thoughtless people who were making my life hell.  I wasn't seeing my partner who had been SO frustraiting with his negativity about weight, family, job, EVERYTHING in his life.  

I saw the yearning for union with the light.........

I saw the deep down integrity of those people who DESPERATELY want to love and be loved........who want to be valued.....who want a sense of their own goodness.......who are really trying, in the midst of all their travails, to act with a certain amount of dignity and integrity - however imperfect those actions might look to themselves and to others......

And all I was able to feel was love.....for them.....for myself.  Because in spite of what looks like OBVIOUS IMPERFECTIONS, and however REAL those supposed imperfections might be, however those imperfections may seem to be the totality of who and what they are....

those imperfections AREN'T them........

my imperfections ARENT me....

There is a core to me, and a core to those people, that remains
spotless
unblemished
sound

There is a core to ALL of us that is, by it's very nature, light......what I have heard called (and I love this phrase)

FIRE IN THE BONES.

And that, dear people......is God.

And this very realization helped me to breathe in all my fears, and some of theirs, and breathe out loving kindness.  I could feel compassion in the breathing in, wanting to pull in all in and my mediation became

Breathing in, I am loving the fear,
Breathing out, I AM (loving) kindness.

And folks, it has clicked on a fundamental level for me - I am aware of this like I haven't been before.  And I am aware of the realresponsibility I have ahead of me tomorrow when I return to work, when I start me day, when I am faced with the multitude of temptations of grousing about workings, gripe-ing about my boss, anticipating what is going to frustrate me day, fearing how I am going to spend another day screwing up on my diet.......all of that lies before me......

and, yup, when I put it all in a great big pile, it can look insurmountable......

And yea, I may mistake all those things to be ME.......

and they may in fact, BE me.....to a certain extent.

But at the same time, they AREN't me.........I am this light that is unspoiled by the things that are visiting me as challenges.  I am and will always remain, with dignity intact - because it's the same dignity and integrity and light that lies in each of you that is reading this.

So - when faced with fears - my adivse is BREATHE IT ALL IN!!!!!   It's an opportunity knocking, it's your light shinging - just breath it out....and look....and feel it.    It's there....right now......loving you and loving the rest of the world.

Peace - Blessed Be - Namaste.

WEll folks, here I am, ready to join my vision to yours.  HOpefully I wil keep this blog running and learn how to make good use of it.  I even think I might try to get a daily entry in, just to see if I can do it.

And who know what will become of me, and this place.  But I am inspired by zaadz.  And hope that others will find it inspiring as well.

Blessed Be, Dan